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August 2, 2010 / fruitloopmum

The parable of the psychotic squirrel and his nuts

Help! I am being driven insane by a psychotic squirrel.

It’s the guilt you see. My squirrelly offspring keep complaining that they’re cold and hungry. Now as any mummy squirrel knows, this type of complaint from your offspring elicits a very strong primal response. I’m bloody determined to find where that bugger has hidden our nuts!

Oh, what to do about that mad daddy squirrel who I so stupidly left in charge of family ‘nut duties’ while I looked after our baby squirrels? The injustice is killing me. Seriously, his antics are driving me nuts! I keep encountering him scurrying industriously around the tree-tops with his cheeks stuffed to bursting, but I can’t seem to catch the slippery  bugger.

I’ve tried to get him to squeak, but his cheeks are so bloody full with booty that he can’t utter a single, sensible word. He just mumbles inanely and holds his empty paws out in a mad gesture of  ‘look, nothing in here!”  Hmmmmm

I’ve watched him zip enthusiastically up the fat,red female squirrel’s tree with his cheeks full to bursting and then mysteriously reappear flaccid-cheeked, paws behind his back and whistling innocently. Suspicious, very suspicious.

I’ve used up my own meagre back-up supply of acorns and nuts since we fled the family tree. I had naively hoped that by now he would have done the decent thing and disclosed the location of our family store so that we can share it fairly. I mean, I happily handed over my entire store of nuts when we set up nest together and I want to know what he’s bloody well done with them. It’s one thing to be a selfish, greedy rodent, but making your offspring suffer cold and hunger is something else entirely. It goes against nature…thats where the psycho bit comes in I think…..

So this week I’ve hired me a professional squirrel catcher on a ‘no result, no fee’ deal and if he doesn’t catch the fat rodent then I’m calling in a taxidermist.

Yep, as you can probably tell, I’m spitting chips here. The whole situation has gotten me so bloody mad and frustrated that it’s made me even more determined to have that offending squirrel’s nuts!

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8 Comments

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  1. hillsideindigo / Aug 2 2010 10:30 am

    And so say all of us!

  2. Roni Jones / Aug 2 2010 5:21 pm

    I truly hope that professional squirrel catcher gets your papa squirrel’s nuts and squeezes ’em hard – do it for all the other mummy squirrel’s that not only had the the nuts taken from us but the whole tree too! Amen, or should that be, A(wo)men?

  3. jennyjb / Aug 2 2010 11:42 pm

    Don’t worry Mama squirrel. If I see him in the street I’ll *****!!!

    • fruitloopmum / Aug 3 2010 3:10 am

      Thanks all for the support and offers to become squirrel catchers! I’m sure Karma will come into play and he’ll squeak when we find his nuts 🙂

  4. Squirrel Nutkin / Aug 3 2010 7:12 am

    the best thing to do with Daddy Squirrels like this, is have their nuts forcibly removed – preferably without anesthetic. Squirrels like this give us caring sharing grey squirrels a bad name. They deserve all they get.

  5. Busy mum (aren't we all!) / Aug 11 2010 8:40 am

    I’m sure i have a nut cracker somewhere, otherwise, wouldn’t a hammer do? nuts, kneecaps, anything to catch the bugger.

  6. fruitloopmum / Aug 12 2010 3:23 am

    Hey Busy Mum, if you have any industrial or even catering sized nutcrackers then I’m coming around to borrow them!

  7. HillsideRach / Aug 16 2010 12:29 pm

    I’ve just been imagining an army of women and concerned men marching down the Parade waving nutcrackers aloft hunting for the Squirrel. He could run but not hide…..

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