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August 20, 2010 / fruitloopmum

Vaginal Smoking – have I missed something?

I bloody well choked on my coffee yesterday as my dear friend asked in a conspiratorial whisper   “Hey, have you ever come across vaginal smoking?”

I mean, WTF?

There we were, having a long-awaited catch-up after 3 days abstinence and she’s asking me about smoking vaginas???  We were in a coffee shop, not a bloody sex shop. I quickly had a look around to see if anyone had heard her. Couldn’t really tell. Several people were all looking at me snorting coffee at 3 in the afternoon though. Oh well.

My brain immediately leapt understandably to sex.

“Smoke from dry friction you mean? No, can’t say that I’ve ever had that problem!”

“No, no, I came across the term yesterday on a website when I was booking my trip to Indonesia”

“Oh, that explains it. It must be some sort of trick, you know like those girls who fire ping-pong balls from their fanny’s as entertainment for tourists!”

At this point I had a mental picture of a woman with a glowing pack of twenty between her legs making smoke rings with her vagina. I also had coffee all down the front of my shirt and tears down my cheeks. I was getting stared at.

“No, no, no that can’t be it. Must be something else….. they only offer it at high-class establishments. I saw it mentioned on The Four Seasons website”

My mind then wandered to poor unfortunate women so addicted to smoking that they had deviated to using a second orifice and the practice, obviously being socially unacceptable required rehab in expensive establishments.

“Can’t they use bloody nicotine patches or something? It’s unbelievable, I can’t believe that neither of us has ever heard of this before”

Both my friend and I consider ourselves to be intelligent, women of the world. Why wouldn’t we have heard about this practice? How could we have missed it?

“Funnily enough, it came up under spa treatments. Someone called Martha swears by it”

SMOKING is bad for your health. We all know that. It’s a nasty, smelly, socially unacceptable habit. And as a reformed smoker of ten years or so I hate the smell, it makes me want to gag.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to try it for godsake…’ve been trying to give up for months!”

At this point one of the kind staff approached our table and offered a damp cloth to wipe my shirt down. Actually I think that she just wanted to get a better handle on our conversation cos she loitered a little longer than required. We decided to take our leave and walk to the school yard to collect our offspring. I had a brainwave.

Google: Vaginal Smoking Indonesia BRILLIANT!!

As we reached the schoolyard the answer popped up on my iPhone. Apparently, the practice comes from Java and is considered a traditional treatment before marriage. It is supposed to cleanse and disinfect the vagina.

Unfortunately I then got a crystal clear image of someone in a beekeepers outfit with one of those smokers puffing it up your you-know-what like they smoke beehives. We were both laughing uncontrollably by now, supporting each other as we walked across the schoolyard like a couple of drunks. Heads turned, tongues tutted, but it was only the usual humourless suspects.

As other parents saw us approaching in our juvenile hysterics one smiled and said ” Ok, whatever it is, I’m sure we’ll read about it tomorrow”

I couldn’t resist……”Yep, and if she comes back from her holiday next week smelling like a bloody ham, then I’m writing about that too!”




Leave a Comment
  1. Karina Noel / Aug 20 2010 12:16 pm

    Well I must say, I have heard of ‘blowing smoke up your arse’, in fact I do believe that line was used by Anthony Hopkins in the film ‘Joe Black’ but I guess where there’s an orifice there’s another option!

  2. DC / Aug 21 2010 11:03 am

    Oh no, you will not …I am not telling you anymore of my dalliances, mishaps or musings, sister!!!….

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