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July 10, 2011 / fruitloopmum

Perversions and Personality Transplants

Attention Fruitloopmum fans!! If you’re into Powerplay and BDSM then go meet Metlink in Melbourne!!!

A few days ago my girlfriend was approached by a decidedly dodgy man whilst travelling on a tram.

I saw him. His eyes lit up like beacons as he looked across the tram carriage at her.

At first, I thought nothing of it, because my girlfriend is a gorgeous, sophisticated, and highly attractive woman who often elicits admiring glances from men.

Anyway, the guy whispered something to his companion as he made his way towards us with a predatory look on his face..and then, I swear, he licked his bloody lips in anticipation!

Essential pervert equipment

However, I didn’t fancy this guys chances because quite frankly, he was way out of his league with my girlfriend.

I mean, for starters, he was wearing a pretty tacky looking dark suit and was moving as though he’d forgotten to remove the coat hanger that morning. Oh yeah, and his hair was parted in a severe side parting, slicked down in the unmistakeable style of a certain European political leader infamous for starting world war 2.

Euwwwww, I thought….no bloody chance mate!

We were minding our own business, deep in conversation and returning by tram to our hotel from a culture and shopping trip when I looked up, saw him scope my girlfriend out and then approach.

He drew level with where we were sitting sexily cross-legged, in our high-heeled boots. Me with my legs crossed demurely and slightly to one side, her with her legs crossed in front of her, one foot resting partly on her knee, and the heel of her boot touching the empty seat opposite.

He extended his hand towards us with a faint smirk on his face “Excuse me ladies……”

My girlfriend looked up from her iphone.

“May I see your tickets?”

We smiled politely and handed him our tickets. Then he fixed my girlfriend with a laviscious look and asked her name.

WTF??? Way too forward dude !!!

She was a little taken back but managed to utter a rather polite “Why do you want my name?”

“Because you have your foot on the seat”

“I’m sorry? What?”

“It’s against local transport regulations to have your feet on the seat, there’s a sign up there”

He indicated to a poster in the tram carriage showing various icons indicating advice to hold on, fold bicycles, not block doorways etc…NO WARNINGS, NO TEXT…just icons.

My friend uncrossed her long legs and placed both feet firmly on the floor immediately.

“Im sorry, we’re from out of state. I didn’t see the sign, and really wasn’t aware that my foot was even touching the seat”

“Well, I need your name and to see some ID”

“Look, I’m really sorry, as I said, we’re from out of state and I’m not aware of your local transport regulations”

“Well the sign is there. Now, if you refuse to supply me with ID I have the power to handcuff you and detain you”

Power crazed bloody PERVERT….

At this point I started giggling…..probably NOT the best thing to do….but FFS….the guy could not be for real SURELY!!!?

Gorgeous girlfriend reluctantly pulled out her driving licence and hand it to him in complete disbelief as he studied it and then said

“I am going to issue you with an infringement ticket, and must caution you that anything you say will be taken down and may be used in evidence against you”

“Are you serious?? What are you? the police or something?” Girlfriend managed to splutter.

Fruitloopmum was trying to suppress her laughter at the unbelievably surreal situation where two 40-something women had somehow managed to attract the attention of a power-crazed pervert who’d clearly undergone a complete personality transplant.

He started scribbling in his little notebook furiously. I decided to interject…..

“I notice that the sign you refer to also indicates no smoking, folding one’s bicycle, holding on etc, Right now I can see at least three passengers who are not holding on. Are you intending to book them too?”

Dodgy guy looked at me with contempt and refused to answer.

“I think it’s a fair point” I continued “Nowhere on that sign does it indicate that these icons represent serious transport offences…so, is it also an infringement not to fold ones bicycle and not to hold on?”

He refused to answer.

I swear he was itching to use those f***ing handcuffs he’d referred to.

I looked past him and lo and behold….4 other similarly badly dressed colleagues were standing a few feet away observing the procedure that dodgy guy was demonstrating. It was a bloody TRAINING EXERCISE!!!!

My contempt started to bubble over…

“Babe, I think this guy must be teaching his trainees how to reach their daily bonus targets, cos you’ve apologised, explained you had no idea it was an offence…and yet he still finds it necessary to issue an infringement notice instead of a polite warning to a tourist”

With a flourish of hand…dodgy guy tore off his infringement notice ($180) and handed it to my girlfriend with a look of smug satisfaction. He then turned, re-grouped with his 4 storm-troopers and got off the tram.

We were still in shock when we arrived at the hotel and told the receptionist what had just transpired.

“Oh, thank goodness you didn’t swear or refuse to provide your ID, those people have the power to slap you in handcuffs and detain you you know!”

So, word of caution anyone likely to visit Melbourne, Australia. It’s an amazing, vibrant and beautiful city. But the transport system is riddled with stalking perverts with handcuffs who are just itching to use them on you if you’re an attractive, sophisticated, sexy woman whose wearing high-heeled boots that are touching the seat in front!!

Go those megalomaniac Metlink inspectors ….you’re truly something else!!


Leave a Comment
  1. melbourniangirl / Jul 10 2011 9:55 pm

    Whoa – scary story – they can be so creepy – but some have also been really nice and understanding. Gotta love public transport…

  2. Starfish / Jul 10 2011 10:58 pm

    Oh how I long for the days of the ‘connies’, the lovely tram conductors who would have a chat and recognise their travellers and, in the days of the Kennett Regime turn a blind eye for the city ‘two-block’ ride…

    No doubt the storm troopers in bad suits would handcuff me, lock me up and throw away the key.

  3. dane / Jul 11 2011 3:14 am

    His mantra should of been “Make my Day” ..alter ego acting out a total laughable impossibility..
    Looks like gorgeous GF made his day …

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