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January 12, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Fruitloopmum: Action Heroine?!

Ok, ok, ok, I know….don’t laugh yourselves stupid…..

But I was blown away yesterday when The Pyrate arrived baring more thoughtful gifts, and amongst them was a book that he’d purchased, cos apparently it reminds him of me……

It’s called The Action Heroine’s Handbook.

I actually think I may have blushed. What an appropriate compliment for a freak like me! It’s wonderful, its brilliant and I intend to carry it around in my handbag always…along with the dog bone, assorted hair-ties, plastic toys and biscuit crumbs. It will be my bible. I shall treasure it until it’s all dog-eared and falling apart from use as a constant  source of Fruitloopmum reference. I LOVE IT!

On the front cover, we have….

How to Win a Catfight, Drink Someone Under the Table, Choke a Man with your Bare Thighs…

Right.

And then, in Chapter One….Oh yeah!

How to Win a High Speed Chase in High Heels and a Bustier (more about that later, Fruitloopmum fans)

How to Fend off the Undead (last week The Psycho was likened to a friggin gorilla, this week, the undead is also appropriate)

How to Outwit a Sasquatch (presumably similar to a gorilla after a lobotomy? Note to self: check to see if book shows how to perform a lobotomy with a spoon )

How to Protect Your Child from a Ferocious Beast (Gorilla, Sasquatch, Zombie…whatever!)

Now, this is fodder that’s gonna keep me going for weeks and weeks here, so you need to stay alert and attentive Fruitloopers, ok? AND try to keep up!!

The promises on the front cover had me hooked the minute he handed me the book. See, over New Year I think I managed to keep up with The Pyrate and his crew in the alcohol department…And I didn’t even fall over….but I was really, really interested in the concept of winning a high speed chase in heels and a bustier…I mean, I wouldn’t be me otherwise, would I? Cos, who knows when that little piece of advice might come in handy huh?

Soooooo, last night, while Pyrate was otherwise occupied, I flicked to the relevant bit of Chapter One to see the tips. Now, apparently, “the bustier needs to be tight, but not constrict breathing. Tight lacing acts as a brace and will ensure that your breasts will receive maximum support.  Lean forward, when putting on the bustier, and lace at the back

And then there are some tips on various forms of footwear for the chase “High Heels are ideal for all types of dancing except ballet (they obviously haven’t seen FLM attempt ballet) An added advantage: They make your backside look perky, so you know you look good coming AND going”

Riiiiiiight.

So you can see where my head was going at this point: The bustier would stop my chest from dragging along on the ground, give support and help me move better, and the heels would make my cute butt look even perkier…

I took a sideways look at The Pyrate who was still engrossed in designing Mad Efel products on our website.

Then I sneaked off……

I was obviously too quiet. You know…..like when your kids go quiet, and you realise that SOMETHING is up?!

So, I was in another room, leaning forward trying to work out how I was going to lace the bustier thingy at the back. Course, I was also balancing on the high heels whilst simultaneously scooping my boobs off the floor and into the corset without falling over.

AND THAT’S WHEN THE PYRATE REALISED THAT I WAS TOOOOOO QUIET …..and came to investigate.

There was I imagining a sultry Fruitloopmum with a perky butt looking good both coming and going, and winning the high speed chase, and there was The Pyrate standing in the doorway with a very puzzled look on his face……

Which turned into a grin, and then a loud gafawf…….and then hilarious laughter as he was trying to utter ..”WTF?!”

Of course, I was INDIGNANT!! How dare he laugh?? I was only trying out this concept and hadn’t quite finished when he’d burst in on me…….I wasn’t ready FFS. Now I’d never win the bloody high speed chase or get to test the theory!

He couldn’t speak for laughing.

And by this point, neither could I.

I mean, you lot probably know all about me by now. You know how I’m un-coordinated, a bit loopy and left of centre. But I like to imagine myself as sophisticated and sexy OK???  and sometimes I just need a bit of humoring!

Nothing doing with The Pyrate. He was too busy holding his sides with laughter.

So there I was, a kid who’d just been caught playing with the dress-ups in the vain anticipation of  testing out some scene from an action heroine book and thinking…..

I hope he doesn’t confiscate that book now….cos next up I want to read about how to choke a man with my bare thighs LOL!

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