Skip to content
April 9, 2012 / fruitloopmum

OK, so you just Googled Vaginal Smoking…

Gotcha, you sick and twisted weirdo!

I mean HONESTLY….I look at my reader stats for Fruitloopmum every day, and every friggin day, without fail are a bunch of you who accidentally land on Fruitloopmum cos you’ve Googled Vaginal Smoking! I mean, since I wrote the Vaginal Smoking post its right up there with Tim Ferris and his Enormous Balls as my top article . There are thousands of you buggers ….

FFS, Keep Calm and  Get Some Nicotine Patches.

Right, now that I’ve got your attention, I want to know……and please post on my comments, cos I really cant wait to hear this…….WHY? WHY? WHY????

Can it be that you all have VJJ’s and need them cleansed?

Anyways, I really think that you should make yourselves useful while you’re  here, even if it is by complete accident, because this site is awesome, it’s funny and full of some very useful tips about sex, strippers, drugs, bums, boobs, arses, enormous balls and perverts with handcuffs!! (There now, my site contains all of those things, and THAT little sentence should sort the bloody search engine out and give it something to think about) Seriously though, stay and browse, cos really, I have nothing against perverts per se… I’m sure you’re all fine upstanding members of the community..lol, in fact I probably know you! anyhow, apparently it’s only kinky the first time. Or so I’m told.

Hey, here’s a thought you could even sign up for an email alert every time I write a post that contains the mention of a body part. Think of the amount of time you’d save Googling…and you wouldn’t even have to clear you history browsers!!

So, welcome all you twisted, weirdos. Now, make yourselves useful. Forget people who can do awesome tricks with cigars, cigarettes, ping pong balls or even talk through their arses…..oops actually, I think I can do that last one quite well. Join Fruitloopmum for some REAL mad, naughty fun while I pour myself a large vodka and go check my stats again.

MWAH!

Back soon X

 

April 2, 2012 / fruitloopmum

CLASS….kiss my cute arse!

Image

So, what do YOU do?”

I used to get this question a lot at snobby dinner parties and those bloody awful corporate functions where you’re dragged along as a reluctant guest. Some people just can’t resist can they? Oh yeah, and then there are those who just can’t help themselves and love to oh, so casually, drop into the conversation the fact that they’re an astrophysicist. I mean, please, that’s like dropping a silent, putrid fart in public and hoping that no one will notice that you have a personal problem.

When posed with the question of what I do, I’ve tried variety of answers in the past (depending on my mood) that have produced wonderful responses ranging from giggles, to such total and utter disdain, that I may just has well have farted. I suppose I’m ranting on about this because I find it amusing to observe how we pigeon-hole and often judge people by their occupations. Personally I don’t give a flying rats arse what you do for a living, how much you earn or what friggin socio-economic class you just crawled out of. I’m interested in the person….but, I can tell if I like you by how you react to my occupation.

Once, when I was working ‘under cover’ as a housekeeper/cleaner, I dared to answer a question posed directly to me by my famous employer regarding the global economy. He was so freaking shocked that I was au fait with that day’s GDP figures from Japan, that he spun on his heel muttering something about cleaners knowing their place in life. Excuse me? you f**ker!!…

Yep, for a moment there, this Fruitloopmum forgot that she was just a cleaner who scrubbed shite from this man’s toilet….. Oh, yeah, and who can forget what happened when my mate the teacher beat me to it and announced that I was a stripper? Ooops, if you’re new here or have forgotten, then get a load of  Teachers, Strippers, Judges and Pirates to make you smile.

Anyway, among my immediate friends I am proud to say that I have a Senior Analyst who’s in circus training (love him), a sexy,intelligent Day-Trader who’s worked in a factory squirting jam onto biscuits (love her), a Lawyer who works in a cafe (love her), a Supermum whose father is a Knight of the Realm (no curtseying required), A Rock Star who helps shift furniture and many, many more… They’re the best.

So, do me a favour. Next time you’re introduced to someone new, if they ask what you do for a living….be a bit creative and watch their reaction. You can tell so much about someone who doesn’t bat an eye when you announce that you de-sex mice for a living……and I know someone who does THAT too (lovely girl)

BTW, and because it’s topical I just can’t resist……….. according to his defence lawyer, the Psychopath is apparently “an extremely senior and upstanding consultant” ……So, it would appear that my job this week is a Proctologist. I obviously need to locate a certain someone’s head.

March 4, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Mad Efel’s Mad Rants

Maybe it’s because I recently reached noughty and am obviously at the cute, but what might be described as the arse-end of my life (you know, we’re past the prime rump and down to the scraggy bits)

Anyhow, I seem to be reflecting on lots of weird things recently. WELL weirder than is considered normal for Fruitloopmum.

Please, don’t be alarmed, but I seem to have more clarity than I’ve ever had…..could be that last bottle of Pinot Gris….anyways, I’m about to go off on a rant about values and right and wrong and being true to yourself…so either grab a glass of something strong, and read on, OR do the sensible thing and bugger off and do something useful OK?

Right. For those of you still here, I want to make your eyes glaze over by talking BOLLOCKS…ooops sorry, I mean politics. Oh yep, AND political correctness oh and we can sling in a dose of reality as seen through the eyes of a small child just for good measure?

So, on the personal front I’ve finally reached a point where I really don’t give a rat’s arse what you do for a living, how much money you have, what car you drive OR how wonderful your little protege is at splitting the friggin atom. You might find me slightly more interested in your values, what you contribute to others lives, and whether your little protege has Emotional Intelligence cos let’s face it, I really don’t need to know his I friggin Q score OK?

Moving swiftly on, down here, here being the Land Down Under….we’ve just had to endure a media consuming (yawn) political bun fight between The Ranga (our lady prime minister) and Kev the Rudd who’ve been eyeing each other up over the benches and loading up their ammo in the last few weeks. But then, let’s face it politics is politics the world over and at least the Aussies haven’t had to deal with the likes of Berlusconi..and I wont even start on the freak show that’s warming up in the US…

Anyhow Fruitoopmum fans, my point is this…..Forget the friggin politics, politicians, political correctness and the posturing…we need a little HONESTY and integrity in our lives. A little bit of reality. We sometimes need to say bollocks to what others might think of us and just spit it out. We need to be brave and tell it like it is…you know just like kids do when they call the rather odd-looking lady next door UGLY or they tell you that they love you. You just know they’re being honest don’t you?!

So, laying in bed yesterday and laughing at all sorts of piratical shenanigans I suddenly decided that Mad Efel (her modelled on the mad one from Bloody Pirates) should have her own Facebook Page and Twitter account. What better way to cause complete anarchy than allowing you lot and some irreverent naughty little pirate character to have honest exchanges and childlike rants about current affairs, politics, Justin Beber and the price of bananas? Hell, if Mad Efel gets enough followers she could even run for office!

Oh, and guess what? Mad Efel’s Monday Rants will be sooooo much fun for a certain Fruitloop too cos it’s short, sharp and naughty stuff that we can’t get into trouble for….well maybe we can, but that’d be fun too! Right now, she’s off on one about the Brit’s raising the dead and using Englebert Humperdinck in some freak show called Eurovision…..

Fruitloopmum fans can go seek out Mad Efel and make friends with her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter @madefel 

OOOOH…..LET THE FUN AND NAUGHTINESS BEGIN!!

February 20, 2012 / fruitloopmum

And finally, after drink and drugs, Fruitloopmum is almost busted by the police!

It’s been a weird, wild, exhilarating, exciting Fruitloopy month so far…and we haven’t even finished it yet!

Honestly, I  don’t wish to bore the pants of you by spouting entries from my diary, so I’ll just give you some highlights so far and let my Fruitloopmum fans decide.

First we kicked off with the arrival of several mates and rellies arriving from the other side of the globe to help me celebrate turning ‘Noughty’. They hung around for most of the month, decorating sofas and floors with their sleeping bodies and my bathroom with their g-strings and nana knickers.

Before the Big Noughty Celebration began, we’d watched fireworks, snuck extra bodies into hotel rooms, gate-crashed the second half of an opera at the Sydney Opera House (don’t ask me what, cos it was in Italian…some fat woman waving her hands around  with a high pitched voice) and gotten completely wrecked on Mojitos …..think you get the general picture…oh and then I sent them all off on Harley Davidson’s so I could just have five minutes peace.

A few days later came the Noughty Celebration to mark my growing old disgracefully. By this time Fruitloopmum’s Mum was in da house…so you might have expected things to calm down just a little……?

WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!

She arrived with Mad Cousin (the one who steals road cones) and I strongly suspect there had been some kind of symbiosis of their brains going down during the flight down under…..and I’ll get to THAT bit in a moment

My Noughty Celebration was without doubt the absolute best in history (and here I have to thank some special friends…you know who you are!)

…..and also the talk of the entire village by the next day.

(you know the sort of thing….”Did you go to THAT party where 23 litres of  pirate mojitos and two cases of champagne were consumed in the first half hour? Where the hostess’s speech was hijacked by two signers and a goat-herd wanted by immigration?”

Well, whilst winding down the party at stupid o’clock, I got a text message from my mother to say that she had successfully climbed into the house via my bedroom window…(think a 75-yr-old with a skinful of mojitos and her legs in the air!!!!)

Then, and please try to picture this….

We’re all in recovery mode the next day, brain-dead and sitting around the dinner table having consumed pizza and hair of the dog… mum can be heard snoring blissfully on the sofa behind us. Now, you would think a 75-year-old would be out-for-the-count having consumed that much alcohol and successfully achieved re-entry via a bedroom window the previous night…..wouldn’t you? But this is verbatim what happened…

Fruitloopmum: “Well, the last time I used sign language was in Bangkok when I was trying to buy herbal Viagra from a pharmacy….there were a lot of cocked fingers used”

Mad Cousin: ” WTF did you want THAT for?”

Fruitloopmum: ” Well, I think I’m too old for ecstacy….it might kill me…and someone suggested that this herbal stuff gives a similar buzz”

Mad Cousin: “You’d be better with genuine Viagra, I reckon”

MY BLOODY MOTHER: (from the sofa in a sleepy voice) ” I give it to my plants…..makes them nice and vigorous!”

……Well, you can imagine can’t you???

One of us snorted her champagne so hard it came back down her nose (and we’re talking a fairly substantial nose, the mess was disgusting) another started to giggle, dribble and finally spat out her wine, Mad Cousin went a funny colour cos the pizza had lodged in his throat…and Fruitloopmum, having regained a little composure splutters ‘Your plants? Your plants?? Where did you get Viagra for your plants? WHAT a waste! Do you have any left???”

MY MOTHER : “No…..used up the whole supply on my plants…oh and I traded some with the man in the pub….I heard he had a bit of a problem so I gave him a few. His wife is very grateful, and is sending him over in a few weeks to help with my garden!”

OH YEAH…..only in my family…drug dealing pensioners!

So, to bring us almost up to date, fast forward a week to my actual birthday where my mum and Mad Cousin take me on a birthday seaplane ride over the city and my mum snuggles up in the back of the seaplane with someone called Quoll who looks like a 35 yr old rock star and offers her acid and a trip to see Pink Floyd…I kid you not!

AND FINALLY…after the awesome plane ride and more champagne and oysters and stuff with my rellies, my phone bleeps and Mad Cousin looks at the message. It’s my birthday, and there appear to be at least a dozen messages from The Psycho….and we’re not talking “Happy Birthday” here. It was just ONE of several messages sent by someone who was obviously bored and wanted to join in the fun:

Mad Cousin laughing incredulously: He’s finally lost the plot…

Fruitloopmum: I really don’t give a shit……show me…..

MESSAGE READS: “You are to return my instrument to me on Sunday morning at 9am or it will be reported stolen to the police”

Mad Cousin: WTF ???? Is he referring to the Clarinet that you hired for the little Fruitloop yesterday when she joined the school band?

Fruitloopmum: “Obviously”

And then in a rather serious tone “People….we should expect the local woodwind police to be waiting for us by the time we get back”

….BTW, before we return to…..face the music, lol…….have either of you broken any laws this week?”

Post Script: Mad Cousin has been kissed goodbye by Australian Immigration Officials, but he’s threatening to come back for more fun soon. Mother dispatched to old friends in Melbourne where she is probably drinking them dry and sampling their pot! More next week.

January 18, 2012 / fruitloopmum

I’d like a spliff, some holy water and a roll of duct tape…..please!

I’ve been doing it in cafe’s.

Whilst waiting for a takeaway pizza, in the bath, in bed……

Oh yeah…….AND in the queue at the post office.

And THAT’s what really got me going! Doing it in the post office I mean.

Yep, as promised, I’ve been flicking through my little Action Heroine’s Handbook and my dodgy fruitloop head has been sparking and fizzing with weird ideas. It’s like I’m on acid or something….AND I’ve been getting strange sideways glances (yeah I know, nothing new there) but I think the evil grin has been escaping a bit during these enlightened periods….

Anyway, today I had to make the decision. WTF was I going to choose as the subject for today’s blog. This morning I’d pretty much narrowed it down to a choice between:

1) How to fend off the undead

2)How to outwit a Sasquatch

3)How to turn yourself into a hottie in five minutes or less

So, my lucky, lucky Fruitlopmum fans, because I can NEVER decide on anything, you’re going to get a bit of a ramble and a cocktail ok?

First up, Fending off the Undead. Apparently the most difficult problem one is likely to be faced with is  “determining who is truly undead and who is simply unwell or involved in an elaborate fantasy or delusion”

OH DON’T GET ME STARTED!!!! unwell?! unwell?! you mean like someone who’s not right in the head????

And as for delusional……..god how much more encouragement could I be given to launch into someone who unfortunately happens to be the father of my children and the subject of my latest book How to Marry a Psychopath?!

Anyway, the brain was still fizzing in the post office when I turned the page to a chart showing features of the undead. Listed under attributes are:

Pale and lean….Nope. Although looking up from the book I managed to identify at least 3 possible undead among the Australian Post counter staff. Probably the working conditions.

Puffed and Bloated…..Oh yes, a great big TICK against this feature!

Foul Smelling…..Absolutely! let’s not go there, the thought still makes me want to gag.

Trickling blood near the mouth or wearing stained clothing…..Yep, yep…I think drool counts and my friends will happily recount the disgusting stories of  this person’s stained underpants…eeeuuuw

Staring severely for extended periods of time……..Hell yeah. This odd habit used to scare me senseless and apparently is a particular feature of the undead (or psychopaths)

Anyway, it transpires that I seem to be able to firmly identify at least one member of the undead. There’s a bit of a question mark against the AusPost counter staff….needs further study I think. So, next I flicked the page, and, of the possible ways to fend off the undead, one is with holy water. Then there’s burning incense or adorning yourself with herbs. Personally, and I don’t want to shock you….I favour the herb route. My mind immediately sprang to an old acquaintance of mine called One Eyed Cassius in Jamaica. He swore by herbs for most things. I make him right.

Next, Outwitting a Sasquatch: Well the advice from the handbook appears to be not to get within 50 feet of one, nor to show your teeth (as in smile?) and to evacuate the area as calmly as possible. Sounds quite sensible and straightforward. At the bottom of this page are some Bigfoot Facts:

They are tall and weigh over 500lbs…..Oh yeah! another ticked box

They are easily provoked by domestic animals (like puppies or physically weaker individuals who dare to question them) That’ll be a yes then.

They have distinctive feet…Hell yes! very large with dirty, curling toe nails?  Anyone remember the “don’t let daddy wear thongs” post?

Have a sickening odour…..already been there. BIG TICK.

They mimic other animals as a lure. You mean as in mimicking being NORMAL? LMAO….Another tick!!

Well, so far, whilst in the post office queue I had managed to ascertain that I personally knew someone who was obviously an undead Sasquatch. Note to self: smoke pot, wear hemp clothing and give the bugger a very wide berth.

Right!

By now I was almost at the front of the queue and onto a more aesthetic  subject: How to turn yourself into a hottie in five minutes or less……

I almost skipped this section, you know, being a hottie anyway…. lol. BUT something caught my eye. Among all the tips about fluffing up your hair under the hand dryer in the ladies toilets and biting your lips to make them swell and redden…was tip number 5…..Bust out your cleavage! And here’s what caught my attention “For serious cleavage, tape up your breasts with duct tape or clear packing tape. Start under one arm and unroll the tape under the breasts in a straight line to the other arm. Once your cleavage has been plumped up, show it off”

OH FFS…….did I really need any more encouragement?

I was now at the post office counter. I spoke to one of the undead.

“I’d like six postage stamps please….oh and a roll of packing tape”

The undead stared at me vacantly…..confirming one of the tell-tale signs

Then very slooooowly said

“That will be $4, but you’ll need to go next door to the hardware store for tape’

Perfect.

I handed over my $4 wishing that I had some holy water in my handbag instead of sanitizer.

Then I sauntered next door to chat to my favourite hardware store employee. The lovely old guy who gives me a cheeky wink, asks me about the kids and supplies me with broken packets of nails and off-cuts of wood from the recycling area of the store because I’m his favourite fruitloopmum and I amuse him cos I’m always trying to make or repair something quite bizarre.

LOL…..I wonder what he’d make of my very creative use for duct tape?

So, Fruitloopmum fans, if you see me walking stiffly about in a drugged haze showing a cleavage to die for, you’ll know why. Just blame it all on this wonderful handbook!

January 12, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Fruitloopmum: Action Heroine?!

Ok, ok, ok, I know….don’t laugh yourselves stupid…..

But I was blown away yesterday when The Pyrate arrived baring more thoughtful gifts, and amongst them was a book that he’d purchased, cos apparently it reminds him of me……

It’s called The Action Heroine’s Handbook.

I actually think I may have blushed. What an appropriate compliment for a freak like me! It’s wonderful, its brilliant and I intend to carry it around in my handbag always…along with the dog bone, assorted hair-ties, plastic toys and biscuit crumbs. It will be my bible. I shall treasure it until it’s all dog-eared and falling apart from use as a constant  source of Fruitloopmum reference. I LOVE IT!

On the front cover, we have….

How to Win a Catfight, Drink Someone Under the Table, Choke a Man with your Bare Thighs…

Right.

And then, in Chapter One….Oh yeah!

How to Win a High Speed Chase in High Heels and a Bustier (more about that later, Fruitloopmum fans)

How to Fend off the Undead (last week The Psycho was likened to a friggin gorilla, this week, the undead is also appropriate)

How to Outwit a Sasquatch (presumably similar to a gorilla after a lobotomy? Note to self: check to see if book shows how to perform a lobotomy with a spoon )

How to Protect Your Child from a Ferocious Beast (Gorilla, Sasquatch, Zombie…whatever!)

Now, this is fodder that’s gonna keep me going for weeks and weeks here, so you need to stay alert and attentive Fruitloopers, ok? AND try to keep up!!

The promises on the front cover had me hooked the minute he handed me the book. See, over New Year I think I managed to keep up with The Pyrate and his crew in the alcohol department…And I didn’t even fall over….but I was really, really interested in the concept of winning a high speed chase in heels and a bustier…I mean, I wouldn’t be me otherwise, would I? Cos, who knows when that little piece of advice might come in handy huh?

Soooooo, last night, while Pyrate was otherwise occupied, I flicked to the relevant bit of Chapter One to see the tips. Now, apparently, “the bustier needs to be tight, but not constrict breathing. Tight lacing acts as a brace and will ensure that your breasts will receive maximum support.  Lean forward, when putting on the bustier, and lace at the back

And then there are some tips on various forms of footwear for the chase “High Heels are ideal for all types of dancing except ballet (they obviously haven’t seen FLM attempt ballet) An added advantage: They make your backside look perky, so you know you look good coming AND going”

Riiiiiiight.

So you can see where my head was going at this point: The bustier would stop my chest from dragging along on the ground, give support and help me move better, and the heels would make my cute butt look even perkier…

I took a sideways look at The Pyrate who was still engrossed in designing Mad Efel products on our website.

Then I sneaked off……

I was obviously too quiet. You know…..like when your kids go quiet, and you realise that SOMETHING is up?!

So, I was in another room, leaning forward trying to work out how I was going to lace the bustier thingy at the back. Course, I was also balancing on the high heels whilst simultaneously scooping my boobs off the floor and into the corset without falling over.

AND THAT’S WHEN THE PYRATE REALISED THAT I WAS TOOOOOO QUIET …..and came to investigate.

There was I imagining a sultry Fruitloopmum with a perky butt looking good both coming and going, and winning the high speed chase, and there was The Pyrate standing in the doorway with a very puzzled look on his face……

Which turned into a grin, and then a loud gafawf…….and then hilarious laughter as he was trying to utter ..”WTF?!”

Of course, I was INDIGNANT!! How dare he laugh?? I was only trying out this concept and hadn’t quite finished when he’d burst in on me…….I wasn’t ready FFS. Now I’d never win the bloody high speed chase or get to test the theory!

He couldn’t speak for laughing.

And by this point, neither could I.

I mean, you lot probably know all about me by now. You know how I’m un-coordinated, a bit loopy and left of centre. But I like to imagine myself as sophisticated and sexy OK???  and sometimes I just need a bit of humoring!

Nothing doing with The Pyrate. He was too busy holding his sides with laughter.

So there I was, a kid who’d just been caught playing with the dress-ups in the vain anticipation of  testing out some scene from an action heroine book and thinking…..

I hope he doesn’t confiscate that book now….cos next up I want to read about how to choke a man with my bare thighs LOL!

January 4, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Dancing Naked Should Do It!

Dancing Naked Should Do It!.

January 4, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Dancing Naked Should Do It!

As we begin another new year, I’m reminded of the quote that says:

“Life should not focus upon weathering the storm, but on learning to dance in the rain”

HELL YEAH!!

I had this quote written on a little chalk board in my kitchen after The Great Escape from The Pyscho. That sentiment, along with love and friends got me through my first year and I still remind myself of it, when things get tough.

Trouble is, that it’s really bloody difficult trying to dance in the rain with a dirty, great friggin gorilla on your back! Let’s face it, I’m not renowned for my co-ordination and smooth moves at the best of times, so trying to dance with one of these fekkers on your back is just plain impossible to do without losing your sense of balance occasionally!

Just when you think that you’ve put it firmly back behind bars, or banished it deep into the jungle, the bugger resurfaces with yet ANOTHER bloody roar and beating of the chest!

LOL..more than a passing resemblance

Now, I was laying in bed this first week of the new year, dreaming about being one of them great old-fashioned explorer hunters ….you know, like in Tarzan? I could just see myself in a fetching pith helmet and dodgy shorts, standing fearless in front of the bugger and imagining how he’d look on my wall.

Then I woke up humming a tune that has inspired my thinking and resolve and all good things for 2012….02 Naked In the Rain (Club Mix)

Go ON!!!! CLICK ON IT

right here and NOW….I DARE YOU……have a little dance around……

FFS! you don’t EVEN need a gorilla!

Ready?…throw your arms around and jig a bit…but keep your clothes on if anyone’s about OK?

Smoke is in my eyes
Drifting from the burning cries
Of those who have no strength to stand
Against the fire in the land
Come and wash away the pain, step into the blessed rain
Cool the fire in your soul, the rain will make you whole

Take me dancing naked in the rain
Feel it washing over me, oh oh
Join me dancing naked in the rain

AND THIS, FRUITLOOPMUM FANS IS MY ANTHEM, THEME TUNE AND CUNNING PLAN for 2012

Cos hell, if I can’t shake him loose with my moves, then just the concept of me dancing naked should frighten the fekker to death!

SO, TURN UP THE VOLUME ON YOUR LAPTOPS N’ GET DANCING….

HAPPY NEW YEAR FRUITLOOPMUM FANS!

December 14, 2011 / fruitloopmum

Keep Calm and Drink More!

Apologies to any of my sensitive Fruitloopmum Fans, but…………… Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

It’s only 10 days till bloody Xmas…..and I’ve been caught with my Fruitloopmum pants down AGAIN!

Yeah, yeah, I know…..this really doesn’t surprise any of you does it?

I did buy some Xmas cards….honest….it’s just that well, they’re still sitting on my desk in cellophane.

Anyway, I digress. It’s bloody Xmas again, I only put the decorations up last night…and even the big stores KNOW you just have to have them up by the first week in October! Shite, I still have pressies to buy, those cards in wrappers aren’t going anywhere fast (sorry overseas rellies!) and as for food?? Oh bugger Fruitloopmum…..KEEP CALM and DRINK MORE!!

And my excuse for this appalling lack of festive preparation??

I have been busy, BUSY, BUSY making you ALL a special Xmas present!!!!

YOUR XMAS PRESENT

 

So my daaaaaarling, wonderful Fruitloopmum fans….you can click on this link www.free-ebooks.net/ebook/How-to-Marry-a-Psychopath and go and download my book of mad ramblings for absolutely FREE……but hey, there is a catch….then I want you to go to Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk  find my new book How to Marry a Psychopath, and write lots of nice, wonderful reviews for me. No swear words allowed ok?

OH, and Merry Xmas Fruitloopmum Fans….

remember…..

 

KEEP CALM and PARTY HARD, KEEP CALM and DRINK MORE, KEEP CALM cos JESUS is COMING!

 

 

December 8, 2011 / fruitloopmum

Bloody Pirates!

Funny how life turns out sometimes isn’t it?  Now, I believe in fate and destiny but anyone who’s a Fruitloopmum fan or follower will know that my life includes some pretty substantial and regular sacrifices to the Lord of Chaos.

Right, before I go off on a tangent and lose you all….this post IS about pirates I promise.

So, I love the ocean, I love to sail, and I have been known to sail on a wooden boat with a guy with…. ahem….one leg (who can forget the post about why kids cant be PC huh?)

These facts, coupled with my love of mischief, anarchy and a slightly evil sense of humour…..mean it’s only natural that I think of myself as a bit of a girl pirate right? With me so far?

Oh yes, and of course, the  little fruitloops have a major crush on Jack Sparrow. I swear they know just about every line in every Pirates of the Caribbean movie ever made. We love that girls can be pirates. Since our great escape from The Psycho, we three have grown into a tough, funny, courageous, not to be messed with all female pirate household.  My girls go to sleep with pirate bedtime stories. I think you get the picture….. PIRATES R US OK?

Well now, a little while ago I literally stumbled across a rather sexy and completely mad male pirate who sails on fleets of ships on the other side of the globe. And here’s where fate and destiny comes in….I live in Australia, he’s an Aussie and we met on a quayside in the South of France beneath a sign reading “Les Corsaires” which neither of us realised until some photos were emailed across the globe a few weeks later.

Ok, ok…..Les Corsaires means The Pirates in French……weird sh*t huh?

You may well ask, can anyone be more loopy and piratical than Fruitloopmum? ……well apparently so, and we call him The Pyrate. It’s an interesting, worrying and possibly dangerous, but delightful mix…so watch this space……..In the meantime, the little fruitloops were in awe of mummy meeting a real life pirate and started drawing pictures to send to the other side of the world.

Fast forward a few months and these pictures have sort of taken on a life of their own, and combined with the mad antics of my offspring and some encouragement have somehow morphed into something pretty special:

Mad Efel…..is a little girl pirate, based upon the small mad one as she’s previously been known….you may recall from previous posts…she of the whoopy cushions, politically incorrect observations and many tears of laughter. I started to draw her on school lunch bags, the little fruitloops wanted more…..we added stories, we added naughty, funny quotes and observations…..and now with the help and encouragement of The Pyrate we have a draft children’s book, Mad Efel merchandise on www.cafepress.com/pyratepropriety and all sorts of wild and wonderful ideas…..

Asleep at breakfast

So, the moral to this little tale? Watch out world….this band of pirates are proof that fate, destiny and complete bloody chaos go hand in hand, that life can be both mad, and fun and just like a storybook!

Design for Mad Efel PJ's

%d bloggers like this: