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May 8, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Let’s Go Tagging!

Just a quickie Fruitloopmum fans…

So, early this morning I was looking through my Facebook pages and checking up on Mad Efel who just HAS to post daily nonsense  and naughty thoughts @madefel to start the day, and I see something that made me sit up in bed and LMAO as they say.

It wont come as any surprise to you that Fruitloopmum is Facebook friends with a little outfit called  Moms Who Drink and Swear   (I have to keep up with my competition) and this morning’s post from across the world was an absolute star…..only the yanks could possibly think of this one!

And THIS got me thinking….

Which got Mad Efel thinking….

And together, we have a cunning plan…

I’m posting the link here for you all to see: Ronco Hair in a Can!!

You just gotta watch it! It defies belief!!! AND..apparently doesn’t even come off in the rain!

PERFECT

It’s from the 90’s but ready to be ressurrected…cos Mad Efel and I are ordering a few cans.

And then we’re going out tagging!!

Just imagine the possibilities….sleeping sunbathers, bald babies, offensive hair-dos, comb-overs, women with beards and moustaches, men with beards and moustaches……

Watch this hairy space!

May 2, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Sexy AND Seductive…..?!

My Man made an observation recently that really put the cat among the pigeons.

See apparently, although I am sexy, I couldn’t pull off seductive if my life depended on it, and  ok, I’ll admit….I GOT JUST A WEE BIT TOUCHY!

COME ON I thought…. It’s me we’re talking about here! I’m sure I can do sexy and seductive…cant I?

He just laughed, smacked my cute backside, but wouldn’t back down.

“BUT IT’S IMPORTANT!!!” I said as I wrestled him to the ground wearing a bustier and stockings laughing. But the bugger still wouldn’t change his mind on the matter…

Fast forward a few days, and the question has been the subject of much angst for me, and hilarity for my friends who I turned to for some moral support. Here’s what I got back….

A huge cheesy smile and rolling of the eyes: “Nah, you’d be the girl who mid sexy strip would get tangled in your knickers or get your bra stuck on your head”

Then I got giggles, sideways glances and “Oh come on Fruitloopmum, you’re Jamie Lee Curtis doing the strip scene in True Lies…you know when she falls over!”

Followed by a confirmed Fruitloopmum fan giving an incredulous gawf  “Urm, didn’t you do a post a while back about your man rolling about laughing when you tried to do seduction in a bustier and high heels?”

So now, I’m crestfallen, distraught even!

…it’s bloody obvious that I’m not going to get any back-up from my friends, who know me too well bless them. Trouble is, thinking back, it’s not the first time that this kinda observation has been made about me, so I suppose there’s more than an element of truth in the comment after all.

In fact today, whilst discussing the subject and really clutching at straws, I had to admit to a girlfriend that I recently looked down during a really steamy moment and wondered why I appeared to have bows and ribbons hanging from my arse.

Then I realised.

In my haste to try seduction, I’d put my bustier on….upside down. I don’t think my man noticed…..but I had to do my best to stifle some inappropriate  giggles over my beribboned arse.

She smiled, and tried to make me feel better “Don’t worry, you know how I rarely wear a dress? well, on my way home from your party wearing that long cocktail dress that looked soooooo hot…..”

(and it’s true, she did look awesome) “Yes?”

“I tucked it into my knickers…..cos otherwise I couldn’t cycle home!”

Well, it did make me feel a bit better to think of her with that sexy long dress tucked into her knickers, peddling furiously home along the main road…cos that’s exactly the sort of thing that I would do….

See, I reckon that in order to be seductive you simply have to have a modicum of co-ordination and be able to take yourself seriously enough to keep a straight face. And let’s face it, I can do neither!!

So, although I may be sexy, it looks like I’m probably gonna have to concede that I just can’t pull off seductive no matter how hard I try. Well, not unless you find seduction circus-style a turn-on.

Anyways, I have had a comforting thought.

It’s for the best.

Because if  EVER, by some miracle of chance, I do manage to master both sexy AND seductive…who the hell would be able to cope with me huh???

April 24, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Squeals from the toilet!?

There I was, pottering around the room, minding my own business and unpacking when I heard a most unnatural squeal from the toilet…..

WTF?

Startled, I dropped my bag on the bed in alarm.

My man had disappeared into “the little boys room” of our hotel suite a few minutes before and firmly closed the door behind him.

I stood rooted to the spot for a moment with some very weird and unnatural thoughts running through my head. We wont go there ok?

When I managed to gain my composure and voice, I shuffled closer to the closed toilet door and  prepared to shoulder it open in case of emergency. The conversation through the closed-door went something like this….

Fruitloopmum: Urm….are you OK?

My Man: Whoa!

This was followed my more strange noises emanating from the toilet……a sort of combo of shuffling, grunting and gasps.

Fruitloopmum (louder now): ARE YOU OK???

My Man: Geeze….I think you’d better come look at this!

Well…..I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Had the man suddenly discovered something in his pants never before encountered?

Was his appendage covered in a nasty rash? Had it swollen to an enormous size and gone a strange colour?

God forbid it was the back bottom that he wanted me to come look at…..I mean, pleeease!

Had he discovered a bad case of worms or something? Oh yeah, and we all know that everyone checks the size and consistency of their poos before they flush….Nooooooooo I really DID NOT want to come and see, no matter how spectacular!

Fruitloopmum (now feeling quite queasy): WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO COME LOOK AT????

At this point, the toilet door was opened and my man  appeared with a triumphant, pleased look on his face. I feared the worst.

My Man: You just HAVE to see this, it’s awesome!

He stepped to one side and waved his hand towards the toilet behind him as though introducing someone……..I gulped and held my breath as I peeked beyond his extended arm into the toilet.

I stared, mouth open whilst he ran through a list of attributes:

“Back AND front bottom”

“Wand”

“Jets”

“Blow-dry madame?”

Fruitloopmum: Get outta my way!! I’m going in now, and don’t expect me to be out any time soon!”

Techno loos with magic wands that spray temperature controlled water on your bits? and then blow on them???

OH YEAH…..!!

And just in case you think I make these posts up…..absolutely NOT!

Post Script: Thank you Hotel Nikko Saigon for a most memorable stay. Fruitloopmum will be back for sure!

April 9, 2012 / fruitloopmum

OK, so you just Googled Vaginal Smoking…

Gotcha, you sick and twisted weirdo!

I mean HONESTLY….I look at my reader stats for Fruitloopmum every day, and every friggin day, without fail are a bunch of you who accidentally land on Fruitloopmum cos you’ve Googled Vaginal Smoking! I mean, since I wrote the Vaginal Smoking post its right up there with Tim Ferris and his Enormous Balls as my top article . There are thousands of you buggers ….

FFS, Keep Calm and  Get Some Nicotine Patches.

Right, now that I’ve got your attention, I want to know……and please post on my comments, cos I really cant wait to hear this…….WHY? WHY? WHY????

Can it be that you all have VJJ’s and need them cleansed?

Anyways, I really think that you should make yourselves useful while you’re  here, even if it is by complete accident, because this site is awesome, it’s funny and full of some very useful tips about sex, strippers, drugs, bums, boobs, arses, enormous balls and perverts with handcuffs!! (There now, my site contains all of those things, and THAT little sentence should sort the bloody search engine out and give it something to think about) Seriously though, stay and browse, cos really, I have nothing against perverts per se… I’m sure you’re all fine upstanding members of the community..lol, in fact I probably know you! anyhow, apparently it’s only kinky the first time. Or so I’m told.

Hey, here’s a thought you could even sign up for an email alert every time I write a post that contains the mention of a body part. Think of the amount of time you’d save Googling…and you wouldn’t even have to clear you history browsers!!

So, welcome all you twisted, weirdos. Now, make yourselves useful. Forget people who can do awesome tricks with cigars, cigarettes, ping pong balls or even talk through their arses…..oops actually, I think I can do that last one quite well. Join Fruitloopmum for some REAL mad, naughty fun while I pour myself a large vodka and go check my stats again.

MWAH!

Back soon X

 

April 2, 2012 / fruitloopmum

CLASS….kiss my cute arse!

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So, what do YOU do?”

I used to get this question a lot at snobby dinner parties and those bloody awful corporate functions where you’re dragged along as a reluctant guest. Some people just can’t resist can they? Oh yeah, and then there are those who just can’t help themselves and love to oh, so casually, drop into the conversation the fact that they’re an astrophysicist. I mean, please, that’s like dropping a silent, putrid fart in public and hoping that no one will notice that you have a personal problem.

When posed with the question of what I do, I’ve tried variety of answers in the past (depending on my mood) that have produced wonderful responses ranging from giggles, to such total and utter disdain, that I may just has well have farted. I suppose I’m ranting on about this because I find it amusing to observe how we pigeon-hole and often judge people by their occupations. Personally I don’t give a flying rats arse what you do for a living, how much you earn or what friggin socio-economic class you just crawled out of. I’m interested in the person….but, I can tell if I like you by how you react to my occupation.

Once, when I was working ‘under cover’ as a housekeeper/cleaner, I dared to answer a question posed directly to me by my famous employer regarding the global economy. He was so freaking shocked that I was au fait with that day’s GDP figures from Japan, that he spun on his heel muttering something about cleaners knowing their place in life. Excuse me? you f**ker!!…

Yep, for a moment there, this Fruitloopmum forgot that she was just a cleaner who scrubbed shite from this man’s toilet….. Oh, yeah, and who can forget what happened when my mate the teacher beat me to it and announced that I was a stripper? Ooops, if you’re new here or have forgotten, then get a load of  Teachers, Strippers, Judges and Pirates to make you smile.

Anyway, among my immediate friends I am proud to say that I have a Senior Analyst who’s in circus training (love him), a sexy,intelligent Day-Trader who’s worked in a factory squirting jam onto biscuits (love her), a Lawyer who works in a cafe (love her), a Supermum whose father is a Knight of the Realm (no curtseying required), A Rock Star who helps shift furniture and many, many more… They’re the best.

So, do me a favour. Next time you’re introduced to someone new, if they ask what you do for a living….be a bit creative and watch their reaction. You can tell so much about someone who doesn’t bat an eye when you announce that you de-sex mice for a living……and I know someone who does THAT too (lovely girl)

BTW, and because it’s topical I just can’t resist……….. according to his defence lawyer, the Psychopath is apparently “an extremely senior and upstanding consultant” ……So, it would appear that my job this week is a Proctologist. I obviously need to locate a certain someone’s head.

March 4, 2012 / fruitloopmum

Mad Efel’s Mad Rants

Maybe it’s because I recently reached noughty and am obviously at the cute, but what might be described as the arse-end of my life (you know, we’re past the prime rump and down to the scraggy bits)

Anyhow, I seem to be reflecting on lots of weird things recently. WELL weirder than is considered normal for Fruitloopmum.

Please, don’t be alarmed, but I seem to have more clarity than I’ve ever had…..could be that last bottle of Pinot Gris….anyways, I’m about to go off on a rant about values and right and wrong and being true to yourself…so either grab a glass of something strong, and read on, OR do the sensible thing and bugger off and do something useful OK?

Right. For those of you still here, I want to make your eyes glaze over by talking BOLLOCKS…ooops sorry, I mean politics. Oh yep, AND political correctness oh and we can sling in a dose of reality as seen through the eyes of a small child just for good measure?

So, on the personal front I’ve finally reached a point where I really don’t give a rat’s arse what you do for a living, how much money you have, what car you drive OR how wonderful your little protege is at splitting the friggin atom. You might find me slightly more interested in your values, what you contribute to others lives, and whether your little protege has Emotional Intelligence cos let’s face it, I really don’t need to know his I friggin Q score OK?

Moving swiftly on, down here, here being the Land Down Under….we’ve just had to endure a media consuming (yawn) political bun fight between The Ranga (our lady prime minister) and Kev the Rudd who’ve been eyeing each other up over the benches and loading up their ammo in the last few weeks. But then, let’s face it politics is politics the world over and at least the Aussies haven’t had to deal with the likes of Berlusconi..and I wont even start on the freak show that’s warming up in the US…

Anyhow Fruitoopmum fans, my point is this…..Forget the friggin politics, politicians, political correctness and the posturing…we need a little HONESTY and integrity in our lives. A little bit of reality. We sometimes need to say bollocks to what others might think of us and just spit it out. We need to be brave and tell it like it is…you know just like kids do when they call the rather odd-looking lady next door UGLY or they tell you that they love you. You just know they’re being honest don’t you?!

So, laying in bed yesterday and laughing at all sorts of piratical shenanigans I suddenly decided that Mad Efel (her modelled on the mad one from Bloody Pirates) should have her own Facebook Page and Twitter account. What better way to cause complete anarchy than allowing you lot and some irreverent naughty little pirate character to have honest exchanges and childlike rants about current affairs, politics, Justin Beber and the price of bananas? Hell, if Mad Efel gets enough followers she could even run for office!

Oh, and guess what? Mad Efel’s Monday Rants will be sooooo much fun for a certain Fruitloop too cos it’s short, sharp and naughty stuff that we can’t get into trouble for….well maybe we can, but that’d be fun too! Right now, she’s off on one about the Brit’s raising the dead and using Englebert Humperdinck in some freak show called Eurovision…..

Fruitloopmum fans can go seek out Mad Efel and make friends with her on Facebook or follow her on Twitter @madefel 

OOOOH…..LET THE FUN AND NAUGHTINESS BEGIN!!

February 20, 2012 / fruitloopmum

And finally, after drink and drugs, Fruitloopmum is almost busted by the police!

It’s been a weird, wild, exhilarating, exciting Fruitloopy month so far…and we haven’t even finished it yet!

Honestly, I  don’t wish to bore the pants of you by spouting entries from my diary, so I’ll just give you some highlights so far and let my Fruitloopmum fans decide.

First we kicked off with the arrival of several mates and rellies arriving from the other side of the globe to help me celebrate turning ‘Noughty’. They hung around for most of the month, decorating sofas and floors with their sleeping bodies and my bathroom with their g-strings and nana knickers.

Before the Big Noughty Celebration began, we’d watched fireworks, snuck extra bodies into hotel rooms, gate-crashed the second half of an opera at the Sydney Opera House (don’t ask me what, cos it was in Italian…some fat woman waving her hands around  with a high pitched voice) and gotten completely wrecked on Mojitos …..think you get the general picture…oh and then I sent them all off on Harley Davidson’s so I could just have five minutes peace.

A few days later came the Noughty Celebration to mark my growing old disgracefully. By this time Fruitloopmum’s Mum was in da house…so you might have expected things to calm down just a little……?

WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG!!

She arrived with Mad Cousin (the one who steals road cones) and I strongly suspect there had been some kind of symbiosis of their brains going down during the flight down under…..and I’ll get to THAT bit in a moment

My Noughty Celebration was without doubt the absolute best in history (and here I have to thank some special friends…you know who you are!)

…..and also the talk of the entire village by the next day.

(you know the sort of thing….”Did you go to THAT party where 23 litres of  pirate mojitos and two cases of champagne were consumed in the first half hour? Where the hostess’s speech was hijacked by two signers and a goat-herd wanted by immigration?”

Well, whilst winding down the party at stupid o’clock, I got a text message from my mother to say that she had successfully climbed into the house via my bedroom window…(think a 75-yr-old with a skinful of mojitos and her legs in the air!!!!)

Then, and please try to picture this….

We’re all in recovery mode the next day, brain-dead and sitting around the dinner table having consumed pizza and hair of the dog… mum can be heard snoring blissfully on the sofa behind us. Now, you would think a 75-year-old would be out-for-the-count having consumed that much alcohol and successfully achieved re-entry via a bedroom window the previous night…..wouldn’t you? But this is verbatim what happened…

Fruitloopmum: “Well, the last time I used sign language was in Bangkok when I was trying to buy herbal Viagra from a pharmacy….there were a lot of cocked fingers used”

Mad Cousin: ” WTF did you want THAT for?”

Fruitloopmum: ” Well, I think I’m too old for ecstacy….it might kill me…and someone suggested that this herbal stuff gives a similar buzz”

Mad Cousin: “You’d be better with genuine Viagra, I reckon”

MY BLOODY MOTHER: (from the sofa in a sleepy voice) ” I give it to my plants…..makes them nice and vigorous!”

……Well, you can imagine can’t you???

One of us snorted her champagne so hard it came back down her nose (and we’re talking a fairly substantial nose, the mess was disgusting) another started to giggle, dribble and finally spat out her wine, Mad Cousin went a funny colour cos the pizza had lodged in his throat…and Fruitloopmum, having regained a little composure splutters ‘Your plants? Your plants?? Where did you get Viagra for your plants? WHAT a waste! Do you have any left???”

MY MOTHER : “No…..used up the whole supply on my plants…oh and I traded some with the man in the pub….I heard he had a bit of a problem so I gave him a few. His wife is very grateful, and is sending him over in a few weeks to help with my garden!”

OH YEAH…..only in my family…drug dealing pensioners!

So, to bring us almost up to date, fast forward a week to my actual birthday where my mum and Mad Cousin take me on a birthday seaplane ride over the city and my mum snuggles up in the back of the seaplane with someone called Quoll who looks like a 35 yr old rock star and offers her acid and a trip to see Pink Floyd…I kid you not!

AND FINALLY…after the awesome plane ride and more champagne and oysters and stuff with my rellies, my phone bleeps and Mad Cousin looks at the message. It’s my birthday, and there appear to be at least a dozen messages from The Psycho….and we’re not talking “Happy Birthday” here. It was just ONE of several messages sent by someone who was obviously bored and wanted to join in the fun:

Mad Cousin laughing incredulously: He’s finally lost the plot…

Fruitloopmum: I really don’t give a shit……show me…..

MESSAGE READS: “You are to return my instrument to me on Sunday morning at 9am or it will be reported stolen to the police”

Mad Cousin: WTF ???? Is he referring to the Clarinet that you hired for the little Fruitloop yesterday when she joined the school band?

Fruitloopmum: “Obviously”

And then in a rather serious tone “People….we should expect the local woodwind police to be waiting for us by the time we get back”

….BTW, before we return to…..face the music, lol…….have either of you broken any laws this week?”

Post Script: Mad Cousin has been kissed goodbye by Australian Immigration Officials, but he’s threatening to come back for more fun soon. Mother dispatched to old friends in Melbourne where she is probably drinking them dry and sampling their pot! More next week.

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