I’d like a spliff, some holy water and a roll of duct tape…..please!

I’ve been doing it in cafe’s.

Whilst waiting for a takeaway pizza, in the bath, in bed……

Oh yeah…….AND in the queue at the post office.

And THAT’s what really got me going! Doing it in the post office I mean.

Yep, as promised, I’ve been flicking through my little Action Heroine’s Handbook and my dodgy fruitloop head has been sparking and fizzing with weird ideas. It’s like I’m on acid or something….AND I’ve been getting strange sideways glances (yeah I know, nothing new there) but I think the evil grin has been escaping a bit during these enlightened periods….

Anyway, today I had to make the decision. WTF was I going to choose as the subject for today’s blog. This morning I’d pretty much narrowed it down to a choice between:

1) How to fend off the undead

2)How to outwit a Sasquatch

3)How to turn yourself into a hottie in five minutes or less

So, my lucky, lucky Fruitlopmum fans, because I can NEVER decide on anything, you’re going to get a bit of a ramble and a cocktail ok?

First up, Fending off the Undead. Apparently the most difficult problem one is likely to be faced with is  “determining who is truly undead and who is simply unwell or involved in an elaborate fantasy or delusion”

OH DON’T GET ME STARTED!!!! unwell?! unwell?! you mean like someone who’s not right in the head????

And as for delusional……..god how much more encouragement could I be given to launch into someone who unfortunately happens to be the father of my children and the subject of my latest book How to Marry a Psychopath?!

Anyway, the brain was still fizzing in the post office when I turned the page to a chart showing features of the undead. Listed under attributes are:

Pale and lean….Nope. Although looking up from the book I managed to identify at least 3 possible undead among the Australian Post counter staff. Probably the working conditions.

Puffed and Bloated…..Oh yes, a great big TICK against this feature!

Foul Smelling…..Absolutely! let’s not go there, the thought still makes me want to gag.

Trickling blood near the mouth or wearing stained clothing…..Yep, yep…I think drool counts and my friends will happily recount the disgusting stories of  this person’s stained underpants…eeeuuuw

Staring severely for extended periods of time……..Hell yeah. This odd habit used to scare me senseless and apparently is a particular feature of the undead (or psychopaths)

Anyway, it transpires that I seem to be able to firmly identify at least one member of the undead. There’s a bit of a question mark against the AusPost counter staff….needs further study I think. So, next I flicked the page, and, of the possible ways to fend off the undead, one is with holy water. Then there’s burning incense or adorning yourself with herbs. Personally, and I don’t want to shock you….I favour the herb route. My mind immediately sprang to an old acquaintance of mine called One Eyed Cassius in Jamaica. He swore by herbs for most things. I make him right.

Next, Outwitting a Sasquatch: Well the advice from the handbook appears to be not to get within 50 feet of one, nor to show your teeth (as in smile?) and to evacuate the area as calmly as possible. Sounds quite sensible and straightforward. At the bottom of this page are some Bigfoot Facts:

They are tall and weigh over 500lbs…..Oh yeah! another ticked box

They are easily provoked by domestic animals (like puppies or physically weaker individuals who dare to question them) That’ll be a yes then.

They have distinctive feet…Hell yes! very large with dirty, curling toe nails?  Anyone remember the “don’t let daddy wear thongs” post?

Have a sickening odour…..already been there. BIG TICK.

They mimic other animals as a lure. You mean as in mimicking being NORMAL? LMAO….Another tick!!

Well, so far, whilst in the post office queue I had managed to ascertain that I personally knew someone who was obviously an undead Sasquatch. Note to self: smoke pot, wear hemp clothing and give the bugger a very wide berth.

Right!

By now I was almost at the front of the queue and onto a more aesthetic  subject: How to turn yourself into a hottie in five minutes or less……

I almost skipped this section, you know, being a hottie anyway…. lol. BUT something caught my eye. Among all the tips about fluffing up your hair under the hand dryer in the ladies toilets and biting your lips to make them swell and redden…was tip number 5…..Bust out your cleavage! And here’s what caught my attention “For serious cleavage, tape up your breasts with duct tape or clear packing tape. Start under one arm and unroll the tape under the breasts in a straight line to the other arm. Once your cleavage has been plumped up, show it off”

OH FFS…….did I really need any more encouragement?

I was now at the post office counter. I spoke to one of the undead.

“I’d like six postage stamps please….oh and a roll of packing tape”

The undead stared at me vacantly…..confirming one of the tell-tale signs

Then very slooooowly said

“That will be $4, but you’ll need to go next door to the hardware store for tape’

Perfect.

I handed over my $4 wishing that I had some holy water in my handbag instead of sanitizer.

Then I sauntered next door to chat to my favourite hardware store employee. The lovely old guy who gives me a cheeky wink, asks me about the kids and supplies me with broken packets of nails and off-cuts of wood from the recycling area of the store because I’m his favourite fruitloopmum and I amuse him cos I’m always trying to make or repair something quite bizarre.

LOL…..I wonder what he’d make of my very creative use for duct tape?

So, Fruitloopmum fans, if you see me walking stiffly about in a drugged haze showing a cleavage to die for, you’ll know why. Just blame it all on this wonderful handbook!